The first time I had the idea of writing a book, I was very small. Maybe about 8 years old. Or was it 10? I am really not sure at this moment in time but during that time period the books I was into were the autobiographies and biographies. And so reading all these biographies, I thought, I too would like a biography when I am rich and famous in the future. All the biographies I read were funny and quirky, so mine too would be funny and quirky. I had started putting away memories that would be very useful when it was time for writing. It was a very selective process. The memories had to reveal enough about me, without making the people that knew me personally judge me. Since I do not recall of the memories I selected, I assume nothing made the cut. My bubble was burst when I found out that not all these biographies were written by the people they were about. It made more sense, there was no way ALL these people were funny. But I still wanted to write my own autobiography, for the personal flavor that only I could give. But first I had to be rich and famous.
Now, I want to write an unorthodox, young adult book. Problem is, I don’t think I know how to write. Over the past week, I have read two exceptional pieces of writing [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/priscilla-takondwa-semphere/broken-english-mother-tongues_b_7698634.html and https://medium.com/matter/everything-is-yours-everything-is-not-yours-d6f66bd9c6f9 ]. Those are writers. I am a somebody the internet allowed to have a blog. There’s a difference. Also, I have crippling commitment issues. (To the friends I have told I do not have commitment issues, that’s in terms of relationships. I’m talking about writing here.) I have been unfaithful to the world of blogs. Before this blog, there was another. I didn’t even have the decency to call it off with the first before cheating with this one. Even this one I have neglected for months at a time over the past 1 and a half years it has been operational. Because of these commitment issues, and my inability to write, I am scared of writing a book. Which is sad because I really want to write one. Not a novella either, a hefty volume of pages that I can slam down on a table and say, yes, eja nla [big fish] has landed. The idea of taking a couple of Creative Writing classes at college has crossed my mind a few times. But those classes are usually for writers, and I’m not sure I qualify, because to pass those classes, usually some type of structure in writing is needed and I’m not a fan of leashes on literature. Besides, all the authors I’m beginning to really like don’t seem to follow any type of structure. I told a friend recently that these authors go to college to learn all the writing rules and then completely ignore them in whatever bestseller they decide to publish. So anyway, I want to write a book. An unorthodox, compelling story. Probably about a boy. Yes, that’s one detail I have. And I want this first book to be a success. Just one book, and I’ll just blow (blow means to become famous). [I also want to act in one major film and just blow so I can go for all the award shows for the rest of my life]. So wish me luck for whenever I decide to write this Nobel Literature Prize winning (or at least Caine Prize winning) book.
I also want to be president [or an technocrat]. Yes, I’m declaring for the elections a couple of decades early. When I was much younger, my older brother said he wanted to be president. I don’t know if he still wants to but it’ll be pretty awkward if we both declare for the 2039 elections. I have been playing with the idea of running for president over the last couple of months and I think it’s important I say it because now I have the internet to help keep me accountable in pursuing my dream. If I don’t become president, I don’t think I would go wrong in being an autocrat. The most important thing is creating change on a macro level. Which is pretty ironic because I don’t believe that the relying on the government is the best way for a country to develop. However, I do believe that there needs to be institutions in place for the private sector to truly make the nation grow, and those institutions aren’t set in Nigeria. Being an autocrat wouldn’t be bad either because I could help make decisions that would lead to the change I want to see.
Now that I know I want to run for presidency, I wish I have never watched Scandal. Now I know that there are so many intricacies involved. I can only speak English. What kind of Nigerian president can only speak the colonial language? Between you and me, I’m planning to learn my father’s language. Kalabari is spoken by a couple of thousands of people, so even if I am not fluent, I can say rubbish, no one will know. It’s like I have to re-identify myself as a South South boy. Even though my mother is Yoruba, I can’t choose that one, there are too many of them. Even the Twitter presidents are Yoruba, how will I distinguish myself? So I’m happy with my South South identity, already there’s a kind of mystery about the man from the small tribe. Besides, if I’m from a small tribe, those big big tribes, they can’t hate me. But the other thing that bothers me is the issue of marriage. It’s common knowledge that the spouse is almost as important as the candidate. Even though that may not be true right now in NIgeria (*cough* Patience), but in 2039? It’ll be important. Because I’m from a small tribe, I can’t go for the ‘tribal’ vote, what am I doing with 10,000 votes? When I’m not in KOWA or HOPE. I have to hook myself up with a wife from one of the big brother tribes. My vice president too has to be from one of those tribes. It’s too much. As someone that still doesn’t believe in relationships (of the romantic kind), thinking about marriage has got my head spinning. But it shall be well. Remember to vote for me in 2039.
Usually, I always apologize and promise to write more. This time will be different. I’m tired of pretending that there are actually enough of you [the reader] that care that I write. I will write when I write.