I SOLVED AMERICA’S GUN PROBLEM

I think America has a big gun problem. I’m just going to start off and say that. It’s a huge issue that has polarized the nation. And I have the solution. Yes, me, a 19 year old teenager on a smelling F1 visa, has solved one of America’s biggest social problems. Don’t start clapping yet, hold the applause. Well, if you must insist, thank you. President Obama, if you’re reading this, for my reward – I would like to visit the White House. It would also be nice if I got a tour led by you, but I know you’re a busy man and all that. I wouldn’t ask, but I kinda just solved one of your country’s biggest issues so I would appreciate it. If you really really can’t give the tour, then I guess Malia’s hand in marriage would do make a pretty cool tour guide. I know you’ll come through clutch, thanks BroPOTUS (can I call you BroPOTUS, it just came to me right now and I think it’ll catch on.)

Now, on to the actual solution. It’s quite simple really.

Give everyone guns.

When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Now you might think, that doesn’t make sense Soala – what about kids? Yes, I know we hear stories about how kids mistakenly kill their gun instructors, their neighbours, their siblings, their parents… But the problem can’t be that these kids could access guns in the first place, less guns can’t be the answer, then it must be because they aren’t being trained early enough! As soon as they pop out of the womb, their parents should hand them miniature guns (I’m sure the gun manufacturers would be more than happy to make those) then let them pull the trigger once so that they get used to it. Also, I’m sure when they hear the sound of the gun firing there wouldn’t be any newborn crying (which takes care of another problem, man I’m really cranking out these solutions).Who’s going to be crying at the sight of glorious, magnificent guns? Maybe tears of joy. Birthdays would be easier to shop for, ammunition would make a great present. You could buy an AR15 for your child’s 6th birthday. You could register them at your local gun range and even get a special little kid’s discount! Once everyone has decades of training under their belts, I’m sure no one would ever make any mistakes with their guns. I mean, clearly, people who have gone through rigorous training for decades would never ever kill innocent people right, even with their hands up? Nah that never happens.

We’ve all heard that argument, that if you make it harder for people to get guns legally, then only the criminals will have guns. That’s why everyone should have guns. Imagine this, a group of criminals tries robbing a bank. Everyone pulls out their guns and starts shooting. In the midst of the chaos, I’m pretty sure all the robbers would be hit, eventually. It might take a couple hundred bullets and some innocent civilians being hit because of all the bullets flying around the entire place, but hey, what’s a measly handful of innocents to justice? What’s a couple of people losing fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters to taking down the bad guys and the adrenaline rush that comes from saving everyone that’s still alive? When the police come, pronounce that you’ve made their work easier for them, that together, you civilians stopped the robbers. If they try to arrest you for murder, explain that they were in the way, or that you missed slightly while you were shooting at the bad guys. Oh wait what was that? One of the people that you were sure was a robber had nothing to do with the crime? There must have been a mistake. He looked like a big bad guy. You could just tell. Don’t worry, you did the right thing guys.

My friend (shout out to the boy Ukairo) goes to school in Texas and if I’m not wrong, students are allowed to carry weapons. At first I was concerned, but now, I think that’s a beautiful idea. Imagine a college campus, complete young adults having to deal with the stress of deadlines, add the overindulgence in alcohol, and throw guns in the mix. That’s a recipe for success if you ask me. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Imagine if there was a school shooting at a college, now instead of one person shooting at everyone, it would everyone shooting at everyone! Wouldn’t that be fun?

I’m honestly surprised no one’s thought about this before. Since less guns can’t solve the problem, more will definitely do the job. Since I’ve successfully conquered this problem, I think I’ll solve the next big American problem: Fix the political climate. What about this? No regulation on Super PACs, let’s just pour money into the system. The new less is more!

 

 

 

Life update: I’m a sophomore now. The biggest difference is that I no longer disrespect my trim. When I was a freshman, I used to go to Sportclips for my haircut. Nothing wrong with Sportclips, great place, nice people, and there is always a bowl of Skittles at the waiting area. But the haircut was just average. Just there. Nothing special. This year, I decided I had had enough. If I cannot respect my trim, how can I expect people to respect me? The trim is important, it is a key part of life. I can tell so much about a man from his trim. So now, fresh trims only! Here’s to more revelations this year.

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