I Swear I’m Not Depressed


I wrote two versions of this. The first was me just typing for about 15 mins to get things out of my mind. Then I deleted it all. Now I’m hoping to be coherent and not delete it this time.

First of all, Mummy and Daddy (they read my blog), I’m not depressed. Don’t worry at all. It’s not that. I know it’s scary to read depression and see it’s something your son wrote. We good? Okay cool.

I do think that in Nigeria we need to take mental issues way more seriously. We don’t address things till people run away and live on the streets for the rest of their lives. We think things like, “Depression is oyinbo wahala”, “we don’t have these things here” (also, I think it’s the funniest thing when Nigerians lie to themselves that things they see in the West aren’t present in Nigeria. Nah g, you just close your eyes). We don’t realize that these issues should be taken serious and treated. It’s not only pray (I’m not saying prayer isn’t important), sometimes go to the hospital.

Now, again, I’m not depressed. I just have depressing thoughts sometimes. You get me? It’s only recently that I actually realized what it was. I call myself a realist a lot. People that know me call me a pessimist. I will like to officially come out as a pessimistic realist. Because I do think of myself as a realist, it’s just that realistically, a lot of things are negative. You underdig? (Underdig is a slang I have recently fallen in love with. It’s you dig and you understand together. I just love it.)

There are two main groups of things that lead me to have depressing thoughts sometimes. The first is the news. Everything going on in the world today. Syria. Sudan. The Palestine-Israel conflict. Somalia. Congo. Nigeria. Terrorism. Racism. Sexism. All the isms. It’s the realization that we have so much wrong with the world, and we always have. People have a tendency to romanticize the past, nah g, the past was trash too. It’s all so…sad. I don’t like happy movies as much anymore. It’s not even anything wrong with the movies. I just don’t see it as a reflection of actual life. I connect with complicated and  conflicted characters and story lines that swim in the pool between black and white. Maybe that’s why i like Fences so much. (If you haven’t watched that movie it’s so good, you have to watch it.)

I’m passionate about the development of Nigeria. So some of my research interests are Nigerian history and development economics as I try to understand why we are where we are. And just realizing all that has happened and continues to happen is so depressing. And I’m not even that knowledgeable about that stuff! But starting to see the issues with globalization and the present iteration of capitalism makes me wonder if this thing I’m so passionate about can ever be realized. Sometimes I just think, “What’s the point to all this?” And on those days, I’m sad.

But it’s okay. Because those days are few, and they are not everyday. I am happy often. There’s so much great entertainment out there in terms of movies and music that I can barely enjoy it all. I have wonderful friends who always make my day. I am lucky enough to have a loving family. My life has meaning and purpose. This might be the best NBA season to have followed. Arsenal is trash but I’m at peace with it. When I think “What’s the point of it all?” I remember all the problems that have already been solved in the world, or are getting closer to being solved. Solutions to complicated problems take time, but that does not mean we stop trying. Yes there’s wrong in the world, but there is also a lot of right and good. Life is balanced that way.


Life update: I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about if presidents have time to go to the gym. From what I’ve read all these presidents barely get time to sleep, so I wonder if any of them lift weights. I’m just curious.

2 thoughts on “I Swear I’m Not Depressed

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